I am 26 years old and I admit that I am repelled by how we try to connect with each other in our friend groups. I am tired of asking my friends first and foremost questions like: “How is your work”, “What happened to the guy you mentioned the last time?”. Like those are the only things that define us: What we do & who we fuck.
I want to talk about our deepest desires, the times we felt ashamed, new information on subjects we are passionate about. I want to talk how ordinary things (like the smell of morning coffee or the colors of the sunsets or the laughter with friends) are the things that actually make us happy. In contrast to the newly opened hip place or the discounted bag that we assume will make us happy.
I find myself wanting to scream sometimes when my amazing friend starts to come up with excuses and explanation on why “that guy” didin’t text yet. I wanna shout, I see you, I am the victim of that same cycle too. I know how addictive it is: the thrill of ambiguity, the need for validation. The reason we come up with excuses for the guy not texting us back is to mask/hide our shame about ourselves. The deepest, meanest voice inside us keep telling: we are not worthy enough for his love or attention. We never stop to ask “Do I really like him?” because we are afraid of the answer. We already know deep down that we don’t even like him. We prefer not to see that because than we would not have anything to talk about when our friends ask “What about you, do you have someone special?”. That would mean our existense is not as colorful as others, Without the attention of men or the phrase of our manager, “Who are we?” and “What do we have to share?”. I don’t remember the last time we were able to talk about anything outside of work or relationships.
What happened to our our dreams, passions, the things that made us unique? What happened to our creative side? What happened to communities we were part of and contributed? Its like there is a certain point in life that makes us think: This is it! This is who I am. I never have to be, or can be anyone else. This will be my way of being in life. There is nothing to discover more, no need to become more aware of myself. I survived my teenage years, build up my identity and now I can just BE. I describe my old self (before going through theraphy) as a sleepwalker. I understand caos, ruin are the roads to transformation but I can’t help my urge to shout to the people in my life that “Identity is a construct”. Its just another story you tell yourself. Its a very powerful story with a very strong narrative but its just a story in its essense. I want everyone to know & understand that they can choose to believe in different stories & contruct different identities. I want to shout that there is so much more to life if you can just wake up from your sleepwalk.
I realize each transformation journey is personal and shouting these wouldn’t make any difference. So I approach the struggles of our unhealed self with the compassion of a friend. I just listen. I listen my friends and I listen myself. I hope one day we can live in a world where the “guy who didin’t text” or the “stupid comments of managers” are the last items to discuss on the list. I hope we can create genuine connection by helping each other in our self discovery journey and sharing our shameful and vulnerable moments.
